


Utter Miscommunication

by sekiharatae



Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII Remake (Video Game 2020)
Genre: Borderline crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, Implied zerith, Innuendo, implied cloti
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:55:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25753939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekiharatae/pseuds/sekiharatae
Summary: Aerith and Tifa are having two different conversations at once.
Relationships: Tifa Lockhart/Cloud Strife, Zack Fair/Aerith Gainsborough
Comments: 18
Kudos: 100





	Utter Miscommunication

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mayelisa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mayelisa/gifts).



> Mayelisa made a comment on the CLOTI discord server, and the part of my brain in charge of crack-edged humor ran with it. She was also kind enough to read it at the 2/3 mark when I panicked and worried it wasn't working the way it should. Thank you so much! <3

“...I don’t think that’ll work for me, Cloud.” As she walked down the hall toward the former SOLDIER’s hotel room, Aerith caught the tail-end of Tifa’s statement. His door was slightly ajar and the hallway quiet, allowing the conversation inside to carry. The thread of embarrassment in her friend’s voice had Aerith slowing her pace, not wanting to interrupt. It was a good thing, too, because the next words she heard had her eyebrows climbing.

“I’m not so bothered by the length, but I definitely need something thicker. Enough so I can really feel the difference. Then I’ll be satisfied.”

 _What on Gaia are they talking about?!_ Because if it was what it sounded like, that was _harsh_. She would have expected Tifa to be more tactful.

“...Sorry.” Poor Cloud’s apology was as dejected as she’d ever heard him. 

“Don’t be. I appreciate the offer, really.” Tifa clearly heard it, too, because she rushed to reassure him, her voice taking on that tender note reserved largely just for him. Which made it all the stranger that she’d been so tactless in the first place. 

A moment later the door opened the rest of the way and Tifa spotted her in the hall. “Aerith!” her greeting was open and unselfconscious, which just raised Aerith’s mental eyebrows further. “I’m on may way to the shops,” she continued, stepping out of the room and pulling the door closed behind her. “Would you like to come?” 

Curiosity itching to be satisfied, Aerith nodded. “Anything in particular we’re shopping for?” She’d taken a walk around town that morning with Red, and had a fairly good idea of what sort of goods were available. Plus, knowing what Tifa wanted to buy might explain what was going on between her and Cloud, thus satisfying Aerith’s inner gossip.

Tifa bit her lip and glanced back over her shoulder at the door behind her, clearly aware that the ex-SOLDIER would still be able to hear their conversation. “I need to pick up some, um, personal items,” she answered, and unless Aerith was mistaken, there was a slight emphasis on the word _personal_. 

“Hygiene?” Also mindful of who might be listening, Aerith mouthed the word for Tifa’s sake. 

The younger woman flushed as she shook her head in reply. Reaching out, she wrapped her arm around Aerith’s, the gesture easy and companionable. Using that hold to hustle the flower seller further down the hall, she dropped her voice and leaned slightly closer to add: “No, but still private. And feminine.”

 _Oh ho!_ _Personal **and** private, huh? Yes, this could pay off._ Aerith grinned. “We’ll see what we can find.”

The two exited the inn still walking arm-in-arm, squinting against Costa del Sol’s afternoon sunlight. It was late enough the air was warm rather than stifling, perfect for a leisurely stroll through town. As they turned to head toward the shopping district, Aerith gave up trying to find an angle to bring up what she’d heard, and instead just asked: “Are you and Cloud having trouble? I heard him apologize.”

To her surprise, Tifa flushed ever so slightly and then laughed. Laughed! “No, Cloud just doesn’t realize how different he is from other people, you know?”

 _No_ , Aerith thought, _I don’t know_. True, he seemed less aware than Zack of the many ways his enhancements set him apart, but that couldn’t have anything to do with what she’d overheard. If anything, his enhancements would have prevented any sort of... _lack_ for Tifa to comment on. She settled for making a non-committal sound in response, then tried another tack. “So what kind of personal, private, feminine item are we looking for?”

“I don’t know, really.” To her surprise, Tifa’s voice was laced with frustration. “I thought I’d finally found what I needed, but the last few days with Cloud have proven me wrong.” And that statement carried a wealth of disillusionment, too.

Aerith freed her arm from Tifa’s in order to rub her hand soothingly over the other woman’s back. “Don’t worry, we’ll find something that will work,” she promised. Cloud and Tifa were both head-over-heels for each other; Aerith had been sure of it the first time Cloud said Tifa’s name, and nothing she’d seen since had changed her mind. Besides, there were plenty of solutions to bedroom problems they could try; indeed, trying could be part of the fun! “Is it just size that’s the issue?” That’s what it had _sounded_ like, and if so there was a fairly easy solution. _Aside from, you know, using your damn hands, Cloud._

Tifa gave her a vaguely questioning look, then shrugged. “Well... I really need it to last. To keep up with me. And it should be easy to wash.” She sighed, running her fingers through her hair. “I don’t want to have a problem while we’re in the middle of nowhere. I won’t be able to fight my best if I’m worried about tears.” 

Aerith stopped stock still in the middle of the sidewalk to boggle at the idea of _tears_ in association with something that would help solve the problem of Cloud’s _thickness._

Tifa continued to talk. “I don’t want to spend a lot, either. We’re bound to need the money for something more important, sooner or later.” Cloud had given her a ridiculous amount of gil when she’d told him she wanted to go shopping, but that didn’t mean she should spend it all on herself.

“Um,” Aerith offered, still stuck trying to decide if she needed to give her friend some version of “the talk”. “Are tears usually a problem?” 

Tipping her head to the side, Tifa seemed to consider. That was also mind boggling to Aerith: _When have they had the time to do all this apparent experimenting?! Have they been going at it like rabbits the moment Barret and I are asleep!?_

“No,” she finally allowed. “Usually it’s just a problem of keeping up with me.”

Aerith breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank you, Minerva!_ “So size and stamina are the issues at hand.” 

Tifa’s response to this summation was hesitant. “I don’t know that I’d use exactly those words, but I think so, yes?”

 _What words **would** you use, Tifa?_ Mentally rolling her eyes at Tifa’s shyness, Aerith re-linked arms and took charge. “This way.”

The shop she directed them to was small, the mannequin on display in the window sporting a coeurl-patterned basque, black panties, and sheer black thigh-highs. “What do you think?”

Wide-eyed and slightly flushed, Tifa shrugged somewhat helplessly. “Maybe?” There was a wealth of skepticism in the single word. The outfit on display _really_ wasn’t her style. The cut of the basque was lovely but impractical, and even if she could get past the animal skin patterning, the mannequin was also sporting a coeurl _tail_. 

“Have some faith!” Aerith’s tone was so cheerful it bordered on bubbly. Opening the door, she ushered Tifa inside the building. “Ooo... yes, definitely promising,” she announced, looking around. “Let’s try over here.”

“Over here” turned out to be an aisle stocked with a variety of things Tifa couldn’t begin to identify. The ones she could made her blush as dark as Red XII. 

“If all else fails,” Aerith commented, gesturing at the selection of dildos in lurid colors and increasingly unbelievable sizes as they walked by, “you can get one of those and have Cloud use it on you. But I think what you really need...” there was a pregnant pause as she stopped in front of a display to survey the offerings, “is this!” Exclaiming in triumph, she reached out to grab a rather simple looking titanium ring and hold it up for Tifa’s inspection.

Staring at the flower seller, Tifa waged an internal war between asking what the ring was supposed to _do_ , and making a firm announcement that what she really needed was to leave the store immediately. Before she’d quite decided, Aerith–who had continued to peruse the display–exclaimed in delight. “Oh, no, _this_ one. It _vibrates_! Cloud seems pretty ambidextrous,” and Aerith turned to wink at Tifa, who was still standing dumbfounded, “but just in case. As long as it’s the right size, this should solve everything!” 

Tifa opened her mouth, and closed it. Swallowed, tried again. On the third try she managed to produce words. Well, one word. “What?”

Aerith blinked at her, her pleased expression losing a bit of its glow. “What do you mean, what?”

“What do I mean?” Tifa’s voice was soft, but incredulity was building in it. “What do you think I mean?” She waved a hand at the unidentified but still vaguely embarrassing ring Aerith held. “What is that, and how is it supposed to solve _anything_?”

“It’s a cock ring, of course.” The response was matter of fact. Aerith didn’t even bother to lower her voice. “It can help a man to last longer, and also makes an erection harder and slightly bigger. It should solve Cloud’s problems with both stamina and girth.” Taking Tifa’s hand, she slapped the ring into it decisively. “Problems solved.”

Tifa dropped the thing like it belonged to Sephiroth, then flinched at the sound it made when it hit the floor. “Problems absolutely not solved!” she whispered emphatically. In truth, she now had _new_ problems, because how on Gaia did Aerith get the idea that she had _this one_? “I... I don’t... and _Cloud_...” 

“You don’t have to be embarrassed. I won’t tell anybody,” Aerith promised. She’d picked the ring back up off the floor and was watching Tifa with an earnest expression.

“I don’t have to be embarrassed because there’s nothing to be embarrassed about!” If she could only stop blushing she might be able to make a convincing argument. Mortified, she covered her face with her hands. “I need to buy... _unmentionables_ , Aerith,” she said, voice muffled, “not... not sex toys.”

Unmentionables had to be the quaintest, most adorable colloquialism Aerith had ever heard. Raised in the slums of Midgar–right down the road from Wall Market no less!–she was accustomed to people calling a spade a spade. Absolutely everything was (and sooner or later probably would be) mentioned or mentionable. “You don’t seem to want to mention cock rings,” she pointed out, unable to resist.

“Bras, Aerith!” Resigned to spelling it out, Tifa stopped hiding behind her hands and let them fall to fist on her hips instead. “Preferably something that can hold up to all the running and fighting we’ve had to do. The elastic on this one is already tired.” She’d really thought she’d found the holy materia of sports bras, but apparently not.

 _Ohhh. Well, that makes the comment about tears far less worrying. Needing to be easy to wash makes more sense, too, come to think of it. But..._ “I heard you tell Cloud he wasn’t thick enough to satisfy you. Just as I came down the hall.”

Tifa stared at her, and the blush this time was visible on her chest as well as her throat and face. “ _No_ you _didn’t_!” Despite the obvious embarrassment and emphatic denial, Aerith saw humor suddenly light in carmine eyes. A moment later Tifa was embracing her, and giggling almost uncontrollably. “Planet save us, Aerith, did you leave your mind down in the sewer? _That’s_ the first thing you thought of when you heard me?” 

_... Fair point_. Her mind had been traveling along certain paths far more often since Cloud dropped in, reminding her forcefully of another SOLDIER. _Her_ SOLDIER. Not to mention the way the air fairly crackled with sexual tension whenever Cloud and Tifa were together. Aerith dropped her voice to a whisper. “I’ve seen the way you watch a certain ex-SOLDIER move, missy,” she teased. “The question isn’t why my mind is in the gutter, but rather why yours isn’t right there with it!”

Tifa huffed, giving Aerith one more squeeze before letting go. “Cloud doesn’t think of me that way,” she said, sidestepping the issue of her own feelings. “And we were talking about socks, flower girl.”

Aerith burst out laughing. “You _so_ were not!”

“We _so_ were! He noticed, um, my lack of stockings.” 

Which, yes, the black thigh-highs were missing, Tifa’s legs bare. Aerith hadn’t noticed, but of course Cloud would. And when he got a certain look in his too-blue eyes, Tifa instantly went from female powerhouse to shy and smitten. _But he doesn’t think of her “that way”._ Aerith mentally rolled her eyes at the couple’s antics. That shyness was what Aerith had mistaken for embarrassment while eavesdropping.

“They got shredded during all the fighting. Apparently Cloud and Barret bought socks and a few other personal items while they were restocking our supplies, and he offered me a pair. But I said they weren’t thick enough.” Hands clasped together behind her back, Tifa grinned and rocked back and forth on her heels when Aerith gave a less than ladylike snort at her explanation. “SOLDIERS might not need extra cushioning or compression to help them walk across the continent, but _I_ do.”

Aerith couldn’t argue with that. “I wouldn’t mind something to help with all this walking, either.” Her daily trips to the church hadn’t prepared her for walking all day every day, only stopping to fight whatever monster had decided to try and eat them.

“Well, I doubt this place has what we need.” Even Tifa’s brief glance at the lingerie section revealed it was limited to _come hither_ selections rather than practical pieces, with the stockings being more of the same. 

“No... unless you still want to get this?” Aerith waved the bright red cock ring in Tifa’s general direction.

Tifa considered arguing about Aerith's phrasing, as at no point had she wanted the thing, but decided it wasn't worth it. “No, thank you,” she said instead, shaking her head. “Cloud doesn’t need it.”

There was a rather breathless pause, before Aerith pounced. “Ooooh? And how would you know that?”

“He-he-he’s a former SOLDIER,” Tifa stuttered. “Of course he doesn’t need it.” She straightened from her defensive slump as if struck by a sudden thought. “I’m surprised you didn’t think of that in the first place, little miss dirty mind.”

“Well I did, I just thought maybe your firsthand experience countered the propaganda.” Her own certainly hadn't, but maybe Zack had been Minerva blessed before the SOLDIER treatments. It’s not like she’d asked!

“I don’t _have_ any firsthand experience.” 

To Aerith, that admission sounded wistful. “Give it time,” she suggested, putting her arm around the other woman. “I’d say another week or so, tops.”

“Aerith!” Tifa’s voice was exasperated.

“What? SOLDIERS move fast!” Aerith’s was still bubbly with humor. As she spoke, she reached out to hang the ring back on the hook with the others just like it. When she turned, Tifa was eyeing her speculatively. “What?”

“SOLDIERS move fast, do they?”

 _Oops._ “That’s what I’ve heard,” she stated breezily. _And experienced._ But she wasn’t ready to talk about Zack, not until she understood why Cloud had the buster sword, and why anything associated with its former owner seemed to bring on those strange, pain-filled fits.

Arms folded, eyes narrowed, Tifa considered the flower seller. “And how do you even know what those are for?” she asked, gesturing at the items in question.

“I read a lot,” Aerith answered placidly. “Plus, it’s amazing the things you learn growing up just outside Wall Market! Did you know that–”

“Probably not,” Tifa interrupted, lips twitching. “I doubt I want to, either.” She rolled her eyes. “You really should pace yourself with the anecdotes; not only is it obvious you’re trying to distract me, but you’ll run out of them.”

Aerith’s grin was mischievous and utterly unrepentant. “Didn’t I just tell you I grew up outside Wall Market? If I run out of slightly embarrassing stories I’ll just move on to the outrageous or educational ones.”

Tifa sighed in amused annoyance. “I’m leaving.” The words issued in a passable imitation of Cloud, although whether she did it on purpose or not Aerith couldn’t tell. Suiting actions to words, she turned and started walking back the way they’d come. Aerith hurried to follow her, linking their arms again just in time to bring them to a halt in front of the enormous array of fake phalli. 

“If you got one of these,” she said, and Tifa thanked whatever Cetra deity had prompted her to _finally_ , at long last, lower her voice, “you could _pretend_ it’s Cloud.” 

To her surprise, Tifa didn’t turn red in response to her teasing. She laughed. If it hadn’t been so unexpected, maybe Aerith would have realized it sounded forced. Then Tifa spoke, and it completely derailed her brain.

“Please, that’s so old school.”

Aerith blinked. 

“If I were going to do what you’re suggesting and pretend it was Cloud, I’d get one of _those_.” She pointed to a locked glass cabinet upon which the phrase _The Rhapsodos_ was emblazoned in gold foil. “Twelve intensity levels of simulated oral stimulation. Because Cloud is a man of few words, but knows how to use his mouth.” _Mainly to piss people off, but still. I never said what he used it **for**. _Glancing at Aerith’s dumbfounded expression, Tifa found the smirk came naturally, even though this sort of frank sexual discussion _didn’t_. “You didn’t hear about it, living outside Wall Market?”

Aerith blinked again. 

“Oh, look! They even have a travel version.” It was just like the one she’d had hidden in a drawer back at Stargazer Heights. _Do not blush, do **not** blush. _ “Did you want to get one?”

For the third time, Aerith blinked. Apparently it was the charm, because she found her voice. “What?”

Tifa took a moment to thank Jessie for that horridly embarrassing above-plate shopping trip she’d insisted on the year before, and the opportunity it afforded to turn the tables on Aerith. _What is it about me that makes my friends think I need their “help” in this area? So I’m not comfortable talking about sex. So I’m not forward or aggressive when flirting. That doesn’t mean I’m ignorant or lacking a libido!_

... _Jessie had been right about the Rhapsodos, though._

She gave herself a little mental shake. It was time to leave; Aerith was still processing, which increased their chances of getting out before the woman found something else to comment on. “Or not,” she said aloud, pretending to answer her own question. “Maybe next time. Come on, let’s go find someplace that might actually carry what I’m looking for.” And, once more using their linked arms as a guide, she pulled Aerith from the store and out onto the sidewalk.

“But... wait! How did _you_ know about that toy?” Sunlight in her face apparently worked like a splash of water to stir the flower seller from her daze. 

“How is it any of your business?” Tifa shook her head. “You need to curtail some of that nosiness, Aerith.”

 _I’m not nosy, I’m... invested,_ Aerith thought. Cloud and Tifa were adorable, but they were going to kill her with their unresolved sexual tension. Also, she’d have bet gil that Tifa had never even heard of a sex toy before this outing. Said as much, too.

“Well, that’s what you get for assuming.”

**Author's Note:**

> A basque is a lingerie item with a look similar to a corset, but it extends down to the hips and isn't as constraining. A coeurl is an in-universe analogue for a leopard.
> 
> The Rhapsodos is based on a real toy called The Womanizer. Do with this info what you will.
> 
> At some point I will probably write the referenced Jessie-forced shopping trip. And maybe something about what Tifa bought.
> 
> ...I also imagine that comment about Cloud using his mouth will come back later.


End file.
